Christopher Titus Quotes About House

• My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me... But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.

  Christopher Titus

  Mom, Home, Divorce

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.

  Christopher Titus

  Gun, Law, House

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

• The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. Nobody's getting my Ipod. Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny.

  Christopher Titus

  Keys, Squares, Years

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.

  Christopher Titus

  Couple, Father, Party

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". www.imdb.com. 2004.

• My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad got divorced because he wanted new furniture. At one point in my life, all we had left was a wooden box, a 12 black-and-white TV, and a four-man rubber raft for a couch. And yet, I was the coolest kid in third grade. Mom, can we have a sleepover in Christopher Titus' house? They have a raft in the living room! We can row to breakfast in the morning. I can actually be Captain Crunch!

  Christopher Titus

  Mom, Morning, Dad

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?

  Christopher Titus

  Blanco, Casa, Presidente

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do no wrong brother of yours is going to show up at your house, bald, fat, divorced, with six kids who all hate him and he's going to ask you for money. And because of your character, you're going to look him right in the eyes and you're going to say, You know what, I'll give you some money. If you mow my lawn and detail my car. Oh yeah, then you can shampoo the tail. Loser.

  Christopher Titus

  Brother, Hate, Character

  "Titus / Shannon's Song". www.imdb.com. 2001.

• La gente normal, teme el día en que sus padres mueran. La gente jodida, teme que sus padres vivan para siempre. Aparecen en tu casa a horas extrañas de la noche, oliendo raro, con un grupo de amigos. Hey chico, estos son Harold, Cecil y Dicky. Dicky perdió a su esposa hace un año. He oído que Erin ha hecho galletas. ¿Dónde puedo poner mis zapatos? Si eso no te asusta, no eres humano.

  Christopher Titus

  Night, Boys, Years

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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