Bill Engvall Citas

• I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

  Bill Engvall

  Wall, Nice, House

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 18, 2013

  68 Copiar cita

• One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.

  Bill Engvall

  Keys, Car, Guy

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 04, 2013

  61 Copiar cita

• Un camionero circulaba por la autopista. Aparece una señal que dice: "Puente bajo por delante". Antes de que se dé cuenta, el puente está justo delante de él y se queda atascado debajo del puente. Los coches están atascados durante kilómetros. Finalmente llega un coche de policía. El policía sale del coche, se acerca al camionero, le pone las manos en las caderas y le dice: "¿Te has quedado atascado? El camionero responde: "No, estaba repartiendo por este puente y me quedé sin gasolina.

  Bill Engvall

  Bridges, Hands, Car

  65 Copiar cita

• Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.

  Bill Engvall

  Lasts, Sides, Gas Stations

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 12, 2013

  60 Copiar cita

• Llamé a mi esposa en el teléfono celular y dijo bebé aint va a creer esto, voy, que acaba de golpear a un ciervo con el avión. y hubo un silencio en el otro extremo de la línea seguida de ... ¡Dios mío! ¿Estabas en tierra? Dije nope, santa estaba haciendo una ultima carrera.

  Bill Engvall

  Divertido, Correr, Bebé

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Jan 15, 2013

  72 Copiar cita

• A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y'all catch all them fish? Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.

  Bill Engvall

  Giving Up, Couple, Fishing

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 14, 2013

  69 Copiar cita

• El otro día llegué a casa y estaba lloviendo a cántaros, así que cuando llegué del coche a la puerta principal estaba empapado. Entré en casa y me quité la chaqueta y mi mujer me preguntó si estaba lloviendo. No pude contenerme y le contesté que no, que tenía que sacar a pasear al pez dorado. Aquí tienes tu cartel.

  Bill Engvall

  Lluvia, Hogar, Puertas

  64 Copiar cita

• I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here's your sign!

  Bill Engvall

  Men, Glasses, Phones

  39 Copiar cita

• Es como antes de que mi esposa y yo nos mudáramos. Nuestra casa estaba llena de cajas y había un camión U-Haul en nuestra entrada. Mi amigo se acerca y me dice Oye, ¿te mudas? No. Sólo empaquetamos nuestras cosas una o dos veces por semana para ver cuántas cajas hacen falta. Aquí tienes tu cartel.

  Bill Engvall

  Mudanza, Esposa, Casa

  19 Copiar cita

• I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Hate, Stupid

  "Here's Your Sign". Live album by Bill Engvall, 1996.

  45 Copiar cita

• I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!

  Bill Engvall

  San Francisco, Guy, Sitting

  14 Copiar cita

• And isn't that weird? Think about this, when you're born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little older, you go to applesauce. And then you see these toddlers walking around with these Ziploc baggies full of Cheerios. Then you get to be my age, and the doctor wants you to start eating Cheerios to watch your cholesterol. Then you lose your teeth, you go to applesauce. I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.

  Bill Engvall

  Mean, Home, Nursing

  37 Copiar cita

• Fui al supermercado, cogí todo lo que había en mi lista y me acerqué a la caja. Puse una bolsa de comida para nuestro conejo en la cinta. La chica me miró y me dijo: "¿Tiene un conejo? La miré y le dije inexpresivo: "No. Sólo me gustan porque son crujientes. Aquí tiene su cartel.

  Bill Engvall

  Girl, Pet, Lists

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 20, 2013

  18 Copiar cita

• I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign!

  Bill Engvall

  Thinking, Hunting, Giving

  43 Copiar cita

• I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

  Bill Engvall

  Divertido, Chica, Humor

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Jan 23, 2013

  35 Copiar cita

• Un tipo de Los Ángeles se sienta a mi lado y me dice "¿te gusta el béisbol?". Le dije: "Oh, tío, me encanta el béisbol". Y me dice: "¿Sabías que si Jesús hubiera jugado al béisbol, habría sido el mejor jugador de la historia?". Como si fuera a discutir con esa lógica. Así que me quedé sentado un segundo, y luego le dije "¿sabías que si Babe Ruth hubiera sido el Mesías, los católicos tendrían cerveza y perritos calientes en la comunión?". Se fue.

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Baseball, Dog

  28 Copiar cita

• En 1903 los hermanos Wright inventaron los aviones, porque en 1902 hicieron un viaje por carretera a través del país con su familia.

  Bill Engvall

  Country, Brother, Airplane

  16 Copiar cita

• I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.

  Bill Engvall

  Sick, Taste, Peanut Butter

  30 Copiar cita

• That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

  Bill Engvall

  Divertido, Humor, Hombres

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Feb 19, 2013

  26 Copiar cita

• I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.

  Bill Engvall

  Mom, Stupid, Kids

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Jan 29, 2013

  10 Copiar cita

• El cerebro humano no viene con un manual de instrucciones.

  Bill Engvall

  Brain, Instruction, Humans

  11 Copiar cita

• I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.

  Bill Engvall

  Hurt, Animal, Discovery

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Apr 10, 2013

  7 Copiar cita

• Podría haber probado el puenting, hasta que vi el vídeo de ese tipo al que se le desató la cuerda. No lo supo hasta que tocó el suelo. Oh, voló desde esa torre, gritando a sus amigos. "¡Whoo, miradme, tíos! Oh, ese suelo está subiendo..." ¿Y qué le dices, si eres el operador de esa atracción, al siguiente de la fila? "Muy bien tío, te toca".

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Humor, Jumping

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 22, 2013

  47 Copiar cita

• There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

  Bill Engvall

  Suicide, Hunger Strike, California

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 25, 2013

  45 Copiar cita

• ¿Te has dado cuenta de que todos los elementos de una lista de tareas pendientes son peligrosos? Limpiar canalones, poner luz en la ducha, parchear el tejado. Es una lista de cosas que hacer.

  Bill Engvall

  Light, Gutters, Honey

  Twitter post from Apr 30, 2013

  9 Copiar cita

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