Christopher Titus Quotes About Fathers

• My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Father, Block

  "Titus / Episode 27". www.imdb.com. 2001.

• My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!

  Christopher Titus

  Prayer, Father, Should

  "Titus" (TV Series), www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

• My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take it 'cos he was dying. It's not that he doesn't love me, 'cos he does. It's just that special kind of love that feels like neglect.

  Christopher Titus

  Father, Special, Dying

  "Titus / Episode 27". www.imdb.com. 2001.

• My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember.

  Christopher Titus

  Teacher, Growing Up, Dad

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". Comedy, One-man Show, www.imdb.com. June 06, 2004.

• I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.

  Christopher Titus

  Father, Years, Needs

  "Titus / The Break-Up". www.imdb.com. 2000.

• I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!

  Christopher Titus

  Jobs, Dad, Father

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.

  Christopher Titus

  Couple, Father, Party

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". www.imdb.com. 2004.

• Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you can't really love a brother or sister until you know that they're as scarred and broken as you are. And, hey, if you grow up with a father like mine and you aren't at least a little scarred and broken, well then, that's not your father. You were spawned by an entirely different guy.

  Christopher Titus

  Brother, Growing Up, Pain

  "Titus / Tommy's Crush". www.imdb.com. 2002.

• ¿Y yo teniendo hijos, con mi historia familiar? Mi madre: enferma mental, disparó y mató a su último marido. Mi padre: seis ex-esposas, cuatro ataques al corazón. Mis dos padres piensan que el alcohol es un grupo de alimentos.

  Christopher Titus

  Mom, Husband, Father

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as a son, that you can never learn from Mom. Special things, important things. Like "never challenge Dad to a fist fight.

  Christopher Titus

  Mamá, papá, padre

• Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, Hey dad, wassup ? He's thinking, Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine. Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh.

  Christopher Titus

  Girlfriend, Dad, Father

  "Titus / NASCAR". www.imdb.com. 2001.

• Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a dysfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you've driven a drunken father to moms' parole hearing, what else is there?

  Christopher Titus

  Mom, Father, Mean

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.

  Christopher Titus

  Fathers Day, Nice, Party

• My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

  Christopher Titus

  Mother, Father, Alcoholics Anonymous

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Father, Beer

  "The Reconciliation". "Titus" (TV Series), www.imdb.com. 2000.

• Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a kid with only love and support, I guarantee that kid will be in rehab by the time he is 16. Why? Because you never introduced him to Mr. Back-of-Your-Hand. You know why I only broke into a liquor store once? 'Cause my father introduced me to Mr. Back-of-His-Hand and its wiley sidekick, Mr. Foot-in-My-Ass.

  Christopher Titus

  Niños, Padre, Niños

  "Titus / The Visit". www.imdb.com. 2002.

• I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.

  Christopher Titus

  Father, Heart, Cake

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

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