Jim Gaffigan Quotes - Page 3

• In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Kids, Priorities, Parent

  39 Copiar cita

• Los gimnasios están siempre abarrotados. La única máquina disponible es la que simula el examen ginecológico. Ya sabes, la máquina de Sharon Stone.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Machines, Stones, Exam

  7 Copiar cita

• It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Divertido, Sueño, Humor

  4 Copiar cita

• It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Witty, Weather, Hurricanes

  FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from Aug 26, 2011

  6 Copiar cita

• I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'

  Jim Gaffigan

  Divertido, Humor, Olor

  25 Copiar cita

• I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Father, 4th Of July, Energy

  23 Copiar cita

• Me doy cuenta de que parezco muy hip hop, pero en realidad soy más emo con un claro sabor brasileño.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Emo, Hip Hop, Hips

  Brightest Young Things Interview, brightestyoungthings.com. May 21, 2007.

  11 Copiar cita

• You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Glasses, Looks

  6 Copiar cita

• Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Years, Chasing, Frisbee

  13 Copiar cita

• Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Nice, Humor

  8 Copiar cita

• Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Heckling, Common, Combat

  Fuente: www.npr.org

  20 Copiar cita

• I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Causes, Comedy

  5 Copiar cita

• When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Fighting, Bed

  12 Copiar cita

• I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Coffee, Humor

  12 Copiar cita

• After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Pockets, Hot

  4 Copiar cita

• I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Children, Father, My Children

  "Jim Gaffigan Thinks Phone Photos Are Ruining America’s Children, He Tells Conan" by Ross Luippold, www.huffingtonpost.com. April 13, 2012.

  12 Copiar cita

• You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Dog, Names

  4 Copiar cita

• Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Opposites, Medicine

  4 Copiar cita

• I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Hurt, Pockets

  "'Fat' Dad Jim Gaffigan On Kids, Comedy And Apartment Living". Interview with Scott Simon, www.npr.org. May 2, 2013.

  4 Copiar cita

• ¿Has visto la mortadela que lleva aceitunas? ¿Para quién es? 'Me gusta la mortadela como un martini. Con una aceituna. 'Tomaré el sandwich de mortadela - sucio.'

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Dirty, Humor

  "Jim Gaffigan: King Baby". www.imdb.com. 2009.

  12 Copiar cita

• I come from a very big family. Nine parents.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Divertido, Humor, Padre

  "Profile: Jim and Jeannie Gaffigan". Interview with Philip David Morton, www.huffingtonpost.com. November 30, 2015.

  7 Copiar cita

• My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'

  Jim Gaffigan

  Kids, Midnight, Ems

  15 Copiar cita

• I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Baby, Animal

  45 Copiar cita

• Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?

  Jim Gaffigan

  Christmas, Dying, Thanks

  13 Copiar cita

• Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Fun, School, Cutting

  14 Copiar cita

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