Citas de Daniel Tosh

• Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

  Daniel Tosh

  Kids, Drug, Causes

  89 Copiar cita

• Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with.

  Daniel Tosh

  Country, Running, Fun

  96 Copiar cita

• I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

  Daniel Tosh

  Sleep, Sunrise

  85 Copiar cita

• I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

  Daniel Tosh

  Teacher, School, Dating

  77 Copiar cita

• Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

  Daniel Tosh

  Kids, Racism, Black

  88 Copiar cita

• There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.

  Daniel Tosh

  Running, Country, Home

  72 Copiar cita

• They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

  Daniel Tosh

  Phrases, Ends, Should

  65 Copiar cita

• Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

  Daniel Tosh

  Girl, Nice, Guy

  71 Copiar cita

• Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.

  Daniel Tosh

  Sex, Plans, Marrying

  34 Copiar cita

• ¿Cómo es que todo el mundo aplaude cuando las chicas muestran su T & A, pero cuando saco mi D & Bs, soy un delincuente sexual registrado.

  Daniel Tosh

  Divertido, Sexo, Alegre

  86 Copiar cita

• I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Clever, Perfect

  19 Copiar cita
• 

  A veces, cuando me siento deprimida porque nada parece ir bien, me gusta hacerme una prueba de embarazo casera. Entonces puedo decir: 'Eh, al menos no estoy embarazada'.

  Daniel Tosh

  Divertido, Embarazo, Inicio

  "Comedy Central Presenta: Daniel Tosh". Documental, Comedia, 2003.

  48 Copiar cita

• I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Ideas, Voice

  86 Copiar cita

• You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

  Daniel Tosh

  Puppets, Likes, Sock

  31 Copiar cita

• You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

  Daniel Tosh

  Liars, First Impression, Firsts

  40 Copiar cita

• Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

  Daniel Tosh

  Love, Girl, Boys

  71 Copiar cita
• 

  The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

  Daniel Tosh

  Cyclists, Enjoy, Hood

  Twitter post from May 10, 2012

  22 Copiar cita

• I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

  Daniel Tosh

  Deporte, Pensamiento, Personas

  55 Copiar cita

• No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

  Daniel Tosh

  Screws, Virgins, Dies

  32 Copiar cita

• You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

  Daniel Tosh

  Acceptance, Awful, Sense Of Humor

  33 Copiar cita

• It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

  Daniel Tosh

  Fun, Games, Metallica

  23 Copiar cita

• Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Stupid, Struggle

  "Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts". www.imdb.com. 2011.

  19 Copiar cita

• I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

  Daniel Tosh

  Heart, Abortion, Normal

  43 Copiar cita

• Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

  Daniel Tosh

  Girl, Quality, Underrated

  28 Copiar cita

• I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

  Daniel Tosh

  Jobs, Iphone, Long

  Twitter post from May 24, 2012

  51 Copiar cita

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