Greg Giraldo Citas

• The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.

  Greg Giraldo

  Animal, Thinking, Years

  59 Copiar cita

• People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.

  Greg Giraldo

  Dog, Kids, People

  45 Copiar cita

• Everybody thought that Titanic was the most romantic movie ever. A story about two teenagers who knew each other for three days. Try to make that movie with a couple that's been together for a few years. 'Get in the goddamn boat, Rose!' 'I don't wanna get in the boat!' 'Get in, come on, I'm freezing my ass off out here! I wanted to go to Jamaica, but no, we had to go on a cruise in the middle of the winter!' 'You never draw me naked anymore'

  Greg Giraldo

  Couple, Teenager, Winter

  45 Copiar cita

• It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?

  Greg Giraldo

  Growing Up, Self Esteem, Kids

  45 Copiar cita

• Últimamente se habla mucho en las noticias sobre los extranjeros ilegales en el lugar de trabajo. ¿Cuándo fue la última vez que un extranjero ilegal te robó el trabajo? Ah, sí, ese trabajo de ensueño del repartidor chino que pedalea por Broadway repartiendo comida china por 40 céntimos la hora, o en la parte trasera de un camión de jardinería con otras 15 personas.

  Greg Giraldo

  Dream, Jobs, Men

  49 Copiar cita

• Es evidente que el terrorismo está en la mente de todos. El otro día mi hijo me dijo: 'Papá, ¿cómo es que los malos nos odian? ¿No es triste? Se me llenaron los ojos de lágrimas, porque tiene 18 años. ¿Qué clase de imbécil estoy criando?

  Greg Giraldo

  Hate, Eye, Son

  37 Copiar cita

• Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

  Greg Giraldo

  Funny, School, Thinking

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• In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story

  Greg Giraldo

  Stories, Stuck

  34 Copiar cita

• Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

  Greg Giraldo

  Funny, Girlfriend, Sex

  41 Copiar cita

• Una vez vi a un vagabundo que llevaba los calzoncillos encima de los pantalones. Ahora decimos, ¿por qué los sin techo no salen y se buscan un trabajo? Si lleva los calzoncillos encima de los pantalones, dudo que su currículum esté en orden, y no creo que llegue muy lejos en el proceso de la entrevista. De hecho, estoy bastante seguro de que McDonald's tiene una política de no llevar ropa interior encima del pantalón.

  Greg Giraldo

  Trabajo, Hombres, Pensamiento

  31 Copiar cita

• Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.

  Greg Giraldo

  Two, Feet, Religion

  23 Copiar cita

• You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

  Greg Giraldo

  Kids, Son, Two

  35 Copiar cita

• I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

  Greg Giraldo

  Giving Up, People, Chocolate

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• If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

  Greg Giraldo

  Careers, Excess, Pounds

  24 Copiar cita

• Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

  Greg Giraldo

  Korea, Napoleon Complex, Complexes

  8 Copiar cita

• You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.

  Greg Giraldo

  Lucha, Pensamiento, Gobierno

  22 Copiar cita

• I think all gay guys should get married. I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids because, actually, I'm getting tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I've had it with them being all happy and in shape. I could look good in denim short shorts and combat boots, too, if I had all day to do leg presses at the gym.

  Greg Giraldo

  Tired, Kids, Gay

  27 Copiar cita

• George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?

  Greg Giraldo

  Gay, People, Doe

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• Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

  Greg Giraldo

  Believe, Insane, Looks

  9 Copiar cita

• Una parte del crecimiento consiste en aprender cuáles son tus puntos fuertes y débiles. ¿Qué mejor manera de descubrir que la coordinación mano-ojo no es lo tuyo que recibir un pelotazo en la boca con una pelota roja de goma? Sólo te tienen que golpear en la cara un número determinado de veces antes de que te des cuenta de que es mejor que me dedique a los libros, porque esto no funciona.

  Greg Giraldo

  Growing Up, Book, Eye

  21 Copiar cita

• All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.

  Greg Giraldo

  Careers, Needs, Evidence

  8 Copiar cita

• People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

  Greg Giraldo

  Dream, Country, Dog

  24 Copiar cita

• Norm MacDonald está aquí - una de las personas más divertidas de la historia. Norm tiene un gran problema con el juego. Ha tirado más monedas en un casino que Michael J. Fox en un parquímetro.

  Greg Giraldo

  Gambling, Parking Meters, People

  "Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget". TV Special, www.imdb.com. August 17, 2008.

  13 Copiar cita

• Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?

  Greg Giraldo

  Girl, Kids, Boys

  8 Copiar cita

• Mira Thomas Jefferson. El tipo tuvo hijos ilegítimos en el 1700, y lo atraparon el año pasado. Si engañas a tu mujer y lo encubres durante 200 años, más o menos te crees que estás libre.

  Greg Giraldo

  Home, Kids, Thinking

  6 Copiar cita

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