David Letterman Quotes About Today

• It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.

  David Letterman

  New York, Cities, Liberty

• Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

  David Letterman

  Divertido, Guerra, Humor

  "Only Joking: What's So Funny about Making People Laugh?". Book by Jimmy Carr and Lucy Greeves, 2006.

• Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.

  David Letterman

  Guy, Presidential, Today

• Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun

  David Letterman

  Fighting, President, Matter

• Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!"

  David Letterman

  Marriage, Husband, World

• The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

  David Letterman

  Funeral, Confusing, Alive

• USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Math, Science

• I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime.

  David Letterman

  Differences, Together, News

• Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.

  David Letterman

  Information, Today, Ministers

• I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'

  David Letterman

  Mom, Tonight, Today

  "Fallon replaces Leno on 'Tonight Show,' but the joke's on Letterman" by Ed Payne and Bree Hare, www.cnn.com. April 4, 2013.

• Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.

  David Letterman

  Trying, Today, Sitting

• Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.

  David Letterman

  Years, Machines, Today

• Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.

  David Letterman

  Orange, Today, Prison

• Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.

  David Letterman

  Moving, White, House

• Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

  David Letterman

  Guy, Example, Today

• Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.

  David Letterman

  People, Today, Taxes

• Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served.

  David Letterman

  Veterans Day, Men, Honor

• Según las últimas encuestas, Bush tiene una ligera ventaja sobre John Kerry. Así que hoy, Bush ha colgado una pancarta sobre la Casa Blanca que dice: 'Misión cumplida'.

  David Letterman

  White, House, Today

• Hoy he visto un petirrojo en Central Park, pero ha resultado ser un gorrión con orificio de salida.

  David Letterman

  Central Park, Robins, Sparrows

• Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a minute, that's me.

  David Letterman

  Trabajos, Años, Guy

• President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.

  David Letterman

  Kids, President, Today

• I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs.

  David Letterman

  Beautiful, Daughter, Jobs

• Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.

  David Letterman

  Book, Gay, Down And

• They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.

  David Letterman

  White, Fake, House

• Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.

  David Letterman

  Team, Party, Today

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