Dave Attell Quotes - Page 2

• Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

  Dave Attell

  Couple, Firsts, Sometimes

  Interview with Keith Phipps, www.avclub.com. February 19, 2003.

  22 Copiar cita

• So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Dad, Hate

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, February 4, 2003.

  23 Copiar cita

• If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.

  Dave Attell

  Beautiful, Horse, Sex

  16 Copiar cita

• I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.

  Dave Attell

  Divertido, Perdón, Humor

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album by Dave Attell, 2003.

  25 Copiar cita

• I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.

  Dave Attell

  Birthday, Daughter, Party

  16 Copiar cita

• Incluso ahora, mientras hablamos, la gente tiene relaciones sexuales con animales. Y nos preguntamos por qué los animales nos atacan.

  Dave Attell

  Sex, Animal, People

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, 2003.

  22 Copiar cita

• This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just can't go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money... "Ta-da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?

  Dave Attell

  Hurt, Stupid, Hate

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell". Documentary, Comedy, July 10, 1999.

  12 Copiar cita

• Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Aspirin

  16 Copiar cita

• Fumo mucho. Tres paquetes al día... Fui al baño y me salió un camello del culo.

  Dave Attell

  Smoking, Camels, Three

  17 Copiar cita

• I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.

  Dave Attell

  Brother, Children, Fun

  12 Copiar cita

• Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

  Dave Attell

  Thinking, Drunk, Behind You

  9 Copiar cita

• A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.

  Dave Attell

  Niños, Pensar, Querer

  "Comedians Dave Attell and Jim Norton remember when men were wild" by Jarrett Bellini, www.cnn.com. August 12, 2011.

  13 Copiar cita

• The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!

  Dave Attell

  Writing, Voice, Parent

  15 Copiar cita

• If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.

  Dave Attell

  Divertido, Humor, Niños

  Studio album: "Skanks for the Memories", February 4, 2003.

  63 Copiar cita

• Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

  Dave Attell

  Divertido, Hermoso, Sexo

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.

  14 Copiar cita

• Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.

  Dave Attell

  Cuz, Honey, Rooms

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.

  15 Copiar cita

• You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Machines

  8 Copiar cita

• A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that.

  Dave Attell

  Mean, People, Laughing

  7 Copiar cita

• When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Rhinos

  16 Copiar cita

• Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Sports, Morning

  "Dave Attell: Captain Miserable". Documentary, Comedy, December 08, 2007.

  10 Copiar cita

• Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

  Dave Attell

  Divertido, Loco, Humor

  Studio album: "Skanks for the Memories", February 4, 2003.

  13 Copiar cita

• My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Baby, Cousin

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, 2003.

  7 Copiar cita

• I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

  Dave Attell

  Guy, Tvs, Fit

  7 Copiar cita

• En todas las ciudades hay un ambiente nocturno y todo el mundo tiene algo que hacer, ... He oído buenas historias sobre (Siracusa); es una ciudad muy fiestera, un buen lugar para beber. Definitivamente, me gustaría volver y comprobarlo más a fondo. Investigar un poco más, como yo lo llamo.

  Dave Attell

  Divertido, Fiesta, Beber

  15 Copiar cita

• I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

  Dave Attell

  Divertido, Humor, Ganar

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell". Stand-up comedy series, (1998– ).

  10 Copiar cita

También te puede gustar:

Patrice O'Neal

Colin Quinn

Louis C. K.

Jim Norton

Doug Stanhope

Anthony Jeselnik

Greg Giraldo

Artie Lange