Dave Attell Quotes

• My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

  Dave Attell

  Dream, Doors, Two

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• Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Growing Up, Dad

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, February 4, 2003.

  47 Copiar cita

• ¿Sabes lo que me despierta? Una lengua en el culo. No hay despertador para eso, estás levantado, estás temblando, estás en una postura de karate.....el día ha comenzado.

  Dave Attell

  Alarms, Tongue, Ass

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• Sí, lo sé, hay gente que está en contra de conducir borracho, y yo llamo a esa gente 'la poli'. Pero sabes, a veces, no tienes elección; ¡esos niños tienen que ir al colegio!

  Dave Attell

  Divertido, Escuela, Humor

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• You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

  Dave Attell

  Fun, Thinking, Good Times

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• Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Cuddling

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy Album, 2003.

  37 Copiar cita

• Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"

  Dave Attell

  Divertido, Sexo, Humor

  TV Series "Comedy Central Presents" ("Dave Attell", 1999), (1998– ).

  19 Copiar cita

• What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

  Dave Attell

  Divertido, Humor, Ríos

  35 Copiar cita

• Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

  Dave Attell

  Teeth, Crystals, Helping

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• Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.

  Dave Attell

  Moving, Thinking, Differences

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• I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

  Dave Attell

  Girlfriend, Sometimes, Said

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• There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Giving

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• Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Relationship, Humor

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• You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

  Dave Attell

  Divertido, Humor, Hombres

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attel". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.

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• You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

  Dave Attell

  Divertido, Humor, Hombres

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Running, Discovery

  37 Copiar cita

• Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

  Dave Attell

  Cousin, Gay, Fireworks

  Studio album: "Skanks for the Memories", February 4, 2003.

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• You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Land

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.

  23 Copiar cita

• I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

  Dave Attell

  Light, Trying, Sometimes

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, February 4, 2003.

  29 Copiar cita

• It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.

  Dave Attell

  Water, Trying, President

  18 Copiar cita

• Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Girlfriend, Morning

  25 Copiar cita

• I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.

  Dave Attell

  Mother, Dad, Military

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• If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

  Dave Attell

  Book, Phones, Drunk

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• Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

  Dave Attell

  Basura

  14 Copiar cita

• Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

  Dave Attell

  Couple, Firsts, Sometimes

  Interview with Keith Phipps, www.avclub.com. February 19, 2003.

  22 Copiar cita

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