Jen Lancaster Quotes - Page 2

• As a reader, I notice political views regardless of whether or not the book is fiction. What annoys me is when said views do nothing to advance the narrative.

  Jen Lancaster

  Book, Views, Political

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• Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw so as to not affront the Lord.

  Jen Lancaster

  Best Effort, Perfect, Tiny

  Jen Lancaster (2006). “Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office”, p.17, Penguin

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• Over the summer we chatted one night while Angie stripped a bed, changed wet sheets, comforted and repajamaed a toddler, and chased down a car of speeding teenagers while shaking a brick at them, never once interrupting the conversation or setting down her margarita. The only reason this woman isn't president of General Motors is because she's chosen not to be.

  Jen Lancaster

  Summer, Teenager, Night

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• No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning.

  Jen Lancaster

  Emotional, Mourning, Capacity

  Jen Lancaster (2006). “Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office”, p.104, Penguin

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• This is terrific! What fun! Maybe tomorrow I can go to the prom with my brother. The day after, perhaps I can wear white pants and unexpectedly get my period.

  Jen Lancaster

  Brother, Fun, Maybe Tomorrow

  Jen Lancaster (2008). “Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pi e is Not The Answer”, p.191, Penguin

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• I can't believe anyone would voluntarily run 26 miles. Sometimes I sit on the couch cross-legged because I don't feel like walking to the bathroom.

  Jen Lancaster

  Running, Believe, Bathroom

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• You think you're so cool just because you can walk!

  Jen Lancaster

  Thinking, Walks

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• Fletch then kisses me on the forehead before opening the cabinet under the coffeemaker to grab placemats and napkins. Retrieving these items is his job because I kind of don't like to bend. I also refuse to carry anything heavier than my purse.

  Jen Lancaster

  Jobs, Kissing, Kiss Me

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• You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.

  Jen Lancaster

  Fitness, Party, Thinking

  Jen Lancaster (2008). “Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pi e is Not The Answer”, p.198, Penguin

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• I'm not lazy. I'm simply judicious about excess movement.

  Jen Lancaster

  Lazy, Excess, Movement

  Jen Lancaster (2008). “Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pi e is Not The Answer”, p.15, Penguin

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• As I examine my life through this book, I can't help but wonder if my mother was right. Maybe I really was what I ate. And maybe if she'd let me eat a little more sugar, I'd have come out sweeter.

  Jen Lancaster

  Mother, Book, Littles

  Jen Lancaster (2009). “Pretty in Plaid: A Life, A Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending,Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase”, p.15, Penguin

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• The living room is a monument to my impulsive spending habits. I've got more than two hundred DVDs, including cinematic greats such as Monkey Bone, Corkey Romano, and A Night at the Roxbury, leading me to believe not only do I have awful taste in films, but I also have a Chris Kattan fixation. What I don't have is $4000 earing intrest in a money market account.

  Jen Lancaster

  Believe, Night, Dvds

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• In real life, I tend to yell at people a lot. Not because I'm bossy or mean, but because I'm frustrated.

  Jen Lancaster

  Real, Mean, People

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• I've always been able to cook Italian food. That's in my blood because I'm half Sicilian.

  Jen Lancaster

  Italian, Blood, Half

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• I'm very detail oriented. I think that's why people enjoy my memoirs - because I tend to remember everything.

  Jen Lancaster

  Thinking, Remembers Everything, People

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• I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air

  Jen Lancaster

  Sleep, Air, Mind

  Jen Lancaster (2010). “My Fair Lazy: One Reality Television Addict's Attempt to Discover If Not Being A Dumb Ass Is t he New Black; Or, A Culture-Up Manifesto”, p.34, Penguin

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• I believe that I have such a vanilla life.

  Jen Lancaster

  Believe, Vanilla, I Believe

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• Although I get a lot of specialty services like wraps, scrubs, and mustache removal, my favorite is the simple manicure/pedicure. They work on your hands and feet at the same time while you sit in a vibrating chair. I call it the sorority girls version of a threesome.

  Jen Lancaster

  Girl, Simple, Hands

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• Point? Maybe you aren't a Carrie or a Samantha or a Charlotte or a Miranda. Maybe you're just you.

  Jen Lancaster

  Miranda, Samantha, Charlotte

  Jen Lancaster (2009). “Pretty in Plaid: A Life, A Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending,Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase”, p.233, Penguin

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• I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.

  Jen Lancaster

  Jobs, Clever, Writing

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• When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?

  Jen Lancaster

  Cells, Phones, Rude

  Jen Lancaster (2007). “Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why it Often Sucks in the City, or Who are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me?”, p.39, Penguin

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• Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be...herpes.

  Jen Lancaster

  Would Be, Herpes, One Word

  Jen Lancaster (2013). “Here I Go Again: A Novel”, p.87, Penguin

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• I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.

  Jen Lancaster

  New Year, Years, Hook

  Jen Lancaster (2013). “The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog”, p.21, Penguin

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• Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.

  Jen Lancaster

  Running, Nice, Dark

  Jen Lancaster (2012). “Jeneration X: One Reluctant Adult's Attempt to Unarrest Her Arrested Development; Or, Why It's Never Too Late for Her Dumb Ass to Learn Why Froot Loops Are Not for Dinner”, p.13, Penguin

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• Quinn Cummings is a master story-teller and her book is nothing short of delightful. Her insights into topics like celebrity, parenting, and cats with a taste for homicide are pithy and uproarious and not to be missed. Notes from the Underwire is charming, hilarious, and just snarky enough to be ultimately satisfying.

  Jen Lancaster

  Book, Cat, Taste

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