Laurie Notaro Quotes

• If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally, and if something blocks your route, find another. Never give up.

  Laurie Notaro

  Uplifting, Giving Up, Block

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• I majored in journalism at Arizona State University, where I began writing the columns I write now, but I cannot, in good conscience, refer to myself as a writer. I'm a columnist, maybe a journalist, I guess I'm an author, but writer... no. That's not up to me to call myself, that's rather lofty. It's for the reader to decide.

  Laurie Notaro

  Writing, Arizona, Journalism

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• I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog hair on them.

  Laurie Notaro

  Dog, Hair, Tragedy

  Laurie Notaro (2011). “It Looked Different on the Model: Epic Tales of Impending Shame and Infamy”, p.64, Villard

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• I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

  Laurie Notaro

  Dog, Nice, Men

  Laurie Notaro (2002). “The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club: True Tales from a Magnificent and Clumsy Life”, p.78, Villard

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• Small towns are sometimes like that; familiarity runs high, while regard for personal space is low, if nonexistent.

  Laurie Notaro

  Running, Space, Towns

  Laurie Notaro (2007). “There's a (Slight) Chance I Might Be Going to Hell: A Novel of Sewer Pipes, Pageant Queens, and Big Trouble”, p.18, Villard

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• You're fighting a battle of good and evil with your dog pimp! Your only weapon is the shimmy! There is power in the shimmy! Make him fear your shimmy! Now, goddamnit, show me your war shimmy!

  Laurie Notaro

  Dog, War, Fighting

  Laurie Notaro (2007). “There's a (Slight) Chance I Might Be Going to Hell: A Novel of Sewer Pipes, Pageant Queens, and Big Trouble”, p.253, Villard

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• Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.

  Laurie Notaro

  Love, Tattoo, Book

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• Justin Halpern lanza rayos de risa como si estuviera tirando dados en un callejón. En un solo párrafo, pasa de lo histérico a lo repugnante y a lo conmovedor, y lo hace todo a la perfección. Sh*t My Dad Says es un libro muy, muy divertido.

  Laurie Notaro

  Dad, Laughter, Book

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• I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.

  Laurie Notaro

  Bras, Accountants

  Laurie Notaro (2011). “It Looked Different on the Model: Epic Tales of Impending Shame and Infamy”, p.96, Villard

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• My family were staunch believers in physical violence, not automatic violence, and we had a Safeway around the corner, so we never really needed to kill anything.

  Laurie Notaro

  Violence, My Family, Needed

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• Bad boyfriends don't disguise themselves; their girlfriends do it for them.

  Laurie Notaro

  Girlfriend, Bad Boyfriend, Bad Boy

  Laurie Notaro (2003). “Autobiography of a Fat Bride: True Tales of a Pretend Adulthood”, p.15, Villard

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• I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline.

  Laurie Notaro

  Taxes, Deadline, Tax Day

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• Everyone knows there's only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that's a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people.

  Laurie Notaro

  People, Welcome, Clown

  Laurie Notaro (2007). “There's a (Slight) Chance I Might Be Going to Hell: A Novel of Sewer Pipes, Pageant Queens, and Big Trouble”, p.275, Villard

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• I've never really considered doing stand up, but I have done readings/spoken word things fairly often in which I'll just tell a bunch of stories and run off at the mouth. I'm a big tangent person.

  Laurie Notaro

  Running, Reading, Stories

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• I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.

  Laurie Notaro

  Running, Saws, Enough

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