Richard Jeni Quotes

• Vive cada día como si fuera el último de tu vida porque, de momento, lo es.

  Richard Jeni

  Life, Each Day, Lasts

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• A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

  Richard Jeni

  Yoga, Hypocrite, Yelling

  "A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me". Documentary, Comedy, 2005.

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• A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

  Richard Jeni

  Running, Hypocrite, Gay

  "A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me". Documentary, Comedy, 2005.

  21 Copiar cita

• Puede que en la vida tus sueños no se hagan realidad, pero tarde o temprano una de tus pesadillas sí.

  Richard Jeni

  Dream, May, Nightmare

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• La única diferencia entre las mujeres con las que he salido y Charles Manson es que Manson tiene la decencia de parecer un chiflado cuando lo conoces por primera vez.

  Richard Jeni

  Nuts, Differences, Looks

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• I don't get that - people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you're going to war over religion, now you're just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

  Richard Jeni

  Revenge, War, People

  "Comedy Central Presents: Richard Jeni". Documentary, Comedy, www.cc.com. May 05, 2002.

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• The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

  Richard Jeni

  Sex, Fire, People

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• I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

  Richard Jeni

  Tattoo, Regret, Thinking

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• When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

  Richard Jeni

  Divertido, Vida, Hombres

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• Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

  Richard Jeni

  Religious, War, Killing Each Other

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• Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

  Richard Jeni

  Spiritual, Mean, Sunday

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• El éxito es como el papel higiénico, sólo parece importante cuando no lo tienes.

  Richard Jeni

  Important, Paper, Toilets

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• Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

  Richard Jeni

  Doctors, Choices, Married

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• Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

  Richard Jeni

  Divorce, Looks, Fifty

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• Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?

  Richard Jeni

  Purpose, Cloning, Illegal

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• It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

  Richard Jeni

  Correr, Medio, Pensar

  22 Copiar cita

• Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

  Richard Jeni

  País, Militar, Personas

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• Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

  Richard Jeni

  Success, Two, Luck

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• I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

  Richard Jeni

  Funny, New York, Thinking

  "A few words from Richard Jeni". www.cnn.com. March 12, 2007.

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• I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

  Richard Jeni

  Girl, Sex, Night

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• The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

  Richard Jeni

  Fighting, Flying, Hindenburg

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• I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

  Richard Jeni

  Mom, Mother, Sunday

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• In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

  Richard Jeni

  Doors, Example, Bathroom

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• You know what the average person is? Average.

  Richard Jeni

  Average, Average Person, Persons

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• There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

  Richard Jeni

  Lying, Romance, Cameras

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