Felipe Esparza Quotes

• I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

  Felipe Esparza

  Dad, Home, Degrees

  11 Copiar cita

• The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

  Felipe Esparza

  Cousin, Car, Police

  Twitter post from Dec 11, 2013

  11 Copiar cita

• I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

  Felipe Esparza

  Light, Body, Shirts

  21 Copiar cita

• I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

  Felipe Esparza

  Baby, Mountain, Weight

  10 Copiar cita

• I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

  Felipe Esparza

  Comedian, Mexico, Comedy

  11 Copiar cita

• I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

  Felipe Esparza

  Mom, Children, Husband

  Twitter post from Jun 12, 2017

  10 Copiar cita

• Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

  Felipe Esparza

  Mom, People, Lawyer

  10 Copiar cita

• The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

  Felipe Esparza

  War, Iraq, Mexico

  9 Copiar cita

• Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

  Felipe Esparza

  Wrestling, Eye, Gay

  8 Copiar cita

• Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

  Felipe Esparza

  Mexican, Latino

  4 Copiar cita

• I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

  Felipe Esparza

  Growing Up, Dad, Mexico

  6 Copiar cita

• I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

  Felipe Esparza

  Thinking, Watches, Neighbor

  10 Copiar cita

• I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs just for the drugs. After a while, I just became an outcast of the gang because I just liked the drugs. I just wanted to do more drugs, anything you put in my hand.

  Felipe Esparza

  Hands, Car, Drug

  9 Copiar cita

• Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

  Felipe Esparza

  Dinner, Way, Ambush

  4 Copiar cita

• Halloween es el único día en que puedo disfrazarme de latina sexy con barriga cervecera.

  Felipe Esparza

  Halloween, Beer, Hot

  6 Copiar cita

• I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.

  Felipe Esparza

  Drinking, Fighting, Weekend

  7 Copiar cita

• I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

  Felipe Esparza

  Together, Comedy, Materials

  4 Copiar cita

• My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

  Felipe Esparza

  Mom, Meat, Burritos

  12 Copiar cita

• Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

  Felipe Esparza

  Valentines Day, Cutting, Night

  4 Copiar cita

• Escuché mi primer álbum de comedia en 6º curso. Era Bill Cosby. Mi hermano y yo lo poníamos una y otra vez en un tocadiscos Fisher Price. Un amigo del instituto también me presentó a Richard Pryor. Yo no escribía material por aquel entonces, pero decía cosas graciosas. Se me daba bien reírme de las madres de la gente. Si sabía algo personal sobre ti, lo usaría en tu contra.

  Felipe Esparza

  Mom, Brother, Fun

  4 Copiar cita

• I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

  Felipe Esparza

  Envy, People, Looks

  9 Copiar cita

• I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

  Felipe Esparza

  Yesterday, Police, Getting Older

  4 Copiar cita

• I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

  Felipe Esparza

  Car, Used, Packages

  4 Copiar cita

• Una mujer de verdad necesita citas de hombres muertos para pasar el día.

  Felipe Esparza

  Real, Men, Needs

  Twitter post from Sep 16, 2013

  7 Copiar cita

• If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

  Felipe Esparza

  Brother, Might, Fats

  6 Copiar cita

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