Lundy Bancroft Quotes

• Has he ever trapped you in a room and not let you out?
  Has he ever raised a fist as if he were going to hit you?
  Has he ever thrown an object that hit you or nearly did?
  Has he ever held you down or grabbed you to restrain you?
  Has he ever threatened to hurt you?
  If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then we can stop wondering whether he'll ever be violent; he already has been.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Hurt, Answers, Fists

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• No es posible ser verdaderamente equilibrado en las opiniones sobre un maltratador y una mujer maltratada. Como explica elocuentemente la Dra. Judith Herman en su obra maestra Trauma y recuperación, la "neutralidad" sirve en realidad a los intereses del agresor mucho más que a los de la víctima, por lo que no es neutral. Aunque un maltratador prefiere tenerte totalmente de su parte, se conformará con que decidas adoptar una postura intermedia. Para él, eso significa que ves los problemas de la pareja en parte como culpa de ella y en parte como culpa de él, lo que significa que no es maltrato.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Couple, Women, Mean

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.287, Penguin

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• An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he's not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Believe, Responsibility, Giving

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.57, Penguin

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• Abusers thrive on creating confusion, including confusion about the abuse itself.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Creating, Confusion, Abuse

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.48, Penguin

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• Uno de los obstáculos para reconocer el maltrato crónico en las relaciones es que la mayoría de los hombres maltratadores simplemente no parecen maltratadores. Tienen muchas buenas cualidades, incluyendo momentos de amabilidad, calidez y humor, especialmente en el período inicial de una relación. Los amigos de un maltratador pueden tener una buena opinión de él. Puede tener una vida laboral exitosa y no tener problemas con las drogas o el alcohol. Puede que simplemente no encaje en la imagen que nadie tiene de una persona cruel o intimidatoria. Por eso, cuando una mujer siente que su relación se descontrola, es poco probable que se le ocurra pensar que su pareja es un maltratador.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Kindness, Successful, Men

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• Es importante señalar que la investigación ha demostrado que los hombres que tienen madres maltratadoras no tienden a desarrollar actitudes especialmente negativas hacia las mujeres, pero los hombres que tienen padres maltratadores sí; la falta de respeto que los hombres maltratadores muestran a sus parejas femeninas y a sus hijas a menudo es absorbida por sus hijos.
  Así que, aunque un pequeño número de hombres maltratadores odia a las mujeres, la gran mayoría muestra un sentido más sutil -aunque a menudo bastante generalizado- de superioridad o desprecio hacia las mujeres, y algunos no muestran ningún signo evidente de problemas con las mujeres hasta que están en una relación seria.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Daughter, Mother, Attitude

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• Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty-he builds to the next. By depersonalizing his partner, the abuser protects himself from the natural human emotions of guilt and empathy, so that he can sleep at night with a clear conscience. He distances himself so far from her humanity that her feelings no longer count, or simply cease to exist.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Distance, Sleep, Night

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• But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life, always forcing his way into the
  center of the picture. You deserve to have your life be about you; you are worth it.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Critical Decisions, Lenses, Way

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.23, Penguin

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• Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once. If he raises a fist; punches a hole in the wall; throws things at you; blocks your way; restrains you; grabs, pushes, or pokes you; or threatens to hurt you, that's physical abuse. He is creating fear and using your need for physical freedom and safety as a way to control you.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Hurt, Wall, Block

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.128, Penguin

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• Los consejeros de maltrato dicen del cliente maltratador: "Cuando se mira por la mañana y ve su cara sucia, se pone a lavar el espejo.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Morning, Dirty, Mirrors

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.126, Penguin

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• As long as we see abusers as victims, or as out-of-control monsters, they will continue getting away with ruining lives. If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Giving Up, Luxury, Long

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.157, Penguin

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• Las cicatrices de la crueldad mental pueden ser tan profundas y duraderas como las heridas de puñetazos o bofetadas, pero a menudo no son tan
  evidentes. De hecho, incluso entre las mujeres que han sufrido violencia por parte de su pareja, la mitad o más afirman que el maltrato emocional del hombre es lo que les causa el mayor daño.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Men, Emotional, Long

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.32, Penguin

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• One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling partner is that he frequently tells you what you should think and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Thinking, Perception, Doubt

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.22, Penguin

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• The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are:
  You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.
  I can easily convince other people that you're the one who is messed up.
  As long as I'm calm, you can't call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.
  I know exactly how to get under your skin.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Attitude, Crazy, Long

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.85, Penguin

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• The central attitudes driving the Demand Man are:
  It's your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I'm unhappy about
  any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it's your fault.
  You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.
  I am above criticism.
  I am a very loving and giving partner. You're lucky to have me.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Jobs, Attitude, Grateful

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• The sense of ownership is one reason why abuse tends to get worse as relationships get more serious. The more history and commitment that develop in the couple, the more the abuser comes to think of his partner as a prized object. Possessiveness is at the core of the abuser's mindset, the spring from which all the other streams spout; on some level he feels that he owns you and therefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Couple, Spring, Commitment

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• Few people are aware of the severe human rights violations committed daily by family court judges across the country. These courts are siding over and over again with proven sexual abusers of children and batterers of women. I wouldn't believe it myself if I hadn't done so much investigating.

  Lundy Bancroft

  País, Niños, Creer

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• Disrespect also can take the form of idealizing you and putting you on a pedestal as a perfect woman or goddess, perhaps treating you like a piece of fine china. The man who worships you in this way is not seeing you; he is seeing his fantasy, and when you fail to live up to that image he may turn nasty. So there may not be much difference between the man who talks down to you and the one who elevates you; both are displaying a failure to respect you as a real human being and bode ill.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Real, Men, Worship You

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• Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Opposites, Abuse, Respect Someone

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.64, Penguin

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• It is fine to commiserate with a man about his bad experience with a previous partner, but the instant he uses her as an excuse to mistreat you, stop believing anything he tells you about that relationship and instead recognize it as a sign that he has problems with relating to women.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Believe, Men, Use

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.29, Penguin

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• We hear from time to time about horrible human rights atrocities happening around the globe. Our government claims that it stands in favor of human rights, and our leaders are in the news demanding consequences for other countries that are abusing their populations. But there is a huge denial about how widespread and common these kinds of atrocities are in the United States, and that we are not nearly as different from other countries as we would like to believe we are.

  Lundy Bancroft

  País, Niños, Creer

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• Never believe a man's claim that he has to harm his partner in order to protect her; only abusers think this way.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Creer, Hombres, Pensar

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.54, Penguin

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• Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Men, Abuse, Partners

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.128, Penguin

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• If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Giving Up, Luxury, Want

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.157, Penguin

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