Bonnie McFarlane Quotes

• Cuando una puerta se cierra, otra se abre. Normalmente un frigorífico.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Break Up, Encouraging, Broken Heart

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• Cuando estás embarazada, la gente siente que puede acercarse y darte consejos no solicitados. Cuando estaba embarazada de nueve meses, una mujer se acercó y me dijo: "Tengo una palabra para ti: epidural". Y yo estaba como, Oh Dios mío, gracias. Pero ya habíamos elegido un nombre.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Nombres, Personas, Dar

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• I've been called a racist before, and let me tell you something - that is harsh. That's a really ugly thing to call someone. That's like being called a Mexican.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Ugly Things, Mexican, Racist

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• There's no such thing as a feminist - just women who pay for their own breast implants.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Feminist, Pay, Breasts

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• I don't think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was I should cut my bangs.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Cutting, Thinking, Guy

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• I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby... because he's Jewish and I'm Protestant and the baby's father is Catholic.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Baby, Husband, Father

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• My sister is also retarded. Across the board. She's a one hundred per cent, honest to goodness, born that way retard. I learned a long time ago that if you're going to tell a story about your retarded sister, you need to mention she's retarded right off the bat or inevitably, at the end of the story, someone will say, What... is she, retarded? And then you have to go, Uh... yeah, she is. Followed by a lengthy, awkward silence.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Long, Silence, Awkward

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• My sister might be dumb, but that doesn't make her all that different from the rest of us. She's just like any other American. Except she's Canadian. And retarded.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Dumb, Different, Might

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• You know, women are burdened with all this other crap all the time, like looking good. You need to be really superhuman to be successful as a woman.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Successful, Needs, Looking Good

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• I grew up in a mixed religious household. And it was volatile. My dad's atheist, my mom's agnostic. Just constant fighting. There's no God! There might be!

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Mom, Religious, Atheist

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• If you really are superior, you don't go around saying you're superior - unless you're Jewish.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Ifs, Superiors

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• Intellectually, I think everyone really knows that women are funny, but it's a weird thing that people keep trotting out.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Thinking, People, Weird Things

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• I think it's creepy if a guy says, I would never hit a girl. Cause that should go without saying. That's like if you ever heard a guy go, I would never crap in a hot tub.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Girl, Thinking, Guy

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• I saw the head of NOW - National Organization of Women - saying that women still only make 70 cents on the dollar to every man. I'm not sure I'm going to believe that. Women are notoriously bad at math.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Believe, Math, Men

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• I jog, actually; I go at night. A lot of women, they don't like to go jogging alone at night. They're afraid they might get accosted. I go naked. That way, if there are any perverts around, they think I'm already being chased.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Night, Thinking, Jogging

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• When I first got into this biz called show, I decided I was going to change my name, make it more Hollywood. And you know how you do that? You take your middle name and the first street that you ever lived on. So when I first started, I actually went by Sue Rural Route 2.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Names, Hollywood, Firsts

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• Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to people watch. And I got to a touristy area and I play this game I just made up. I call it Lesbian or Midwestern?

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Juegos, Jugar, Personas

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• It's interesting, once I have convinced people that, yes, I have a sister with a mental disability, the retard jokes really dry up, so I'm not sure how much retard humor is really going on out there, but I imagine there's a lot because it's a pretty safe group to make fun of. It's not like the Retards of America are gonna rise up and organize a protest. They're not gonna write letters. They only just recently got the Supreme Court to stop executing them.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Fun, Writing, Dry Up

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• I could never be a lesbian because I have a really good sense of humor.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Sense Of Humor, Good Sense Of Humor, Good Sense

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• Well I grew up in Canada in a really small town. We didn't have running water for a long time and we didn't have TV. Then when we did get TV we only had one channel.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Running, Long, Water

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• If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  People, Enjoy, Dentistry

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• Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary lift.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Giving, Important, Events

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• Uno de mis sketches favoritos, y una fórmula cómica muy popular, consiste en poner a alguien con una discapacidad mental en algún tipo de situación inverosímil. Por ejemplo: El ginecólogo retrasado, el Jesús retrasado, el Osama Bin Laden retrasado. Funciona. Tiene gracia. ¿Inapropiado? No lo sé. Creo que soy un buen juez de lo que cruza la línea del buen gusto, ya que soy retrasado. Socialmente quizás, pero severamente retrasado.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Jesus, Judging, Lines

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• I've always wanted to be a writer. Always been very creative. I always laughed at things that the rest of my family would sort of get angry, like not understand.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Creative, My Family, Wanted

  "Rich Vos and Bonnie McFarlane Unmasked". Interview with Ron Bennington, theinterrobang.com. December 19, 2011.

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• When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I'm a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.

  Bonnie McFarlane

  Would Be, Pace, Firsts

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