David Cross Funny Quotes

• We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.

  David Cross

  Funny, Humor, January

  "David Cross: The Pride Is Back". TV Special, September 18, 1999.

• I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.

  David Cross

  Divertido, Humor, Ideas

  "David Cross: The Pride Is Back". TV Special, September 18, 1999.

• All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

  David Cross

  Divertido, Novia, Humor

  "It's Not Funny". Stand-up comedy album by David Cross, November 14, 2004.

• Porque has tenido citas en las que te olvidas de abrir los ojos, llevar pantalones y hablar inglés.

  David Cross

  Funny, Humor, Eye

  "David Cross: The Pride Is Back". TV Special, September 18, 1999.

• I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

  David Cross

  Funny, Dog, Believe

  "It's Not Funny". Stand-up comedy album by David Cross, November 14, 2004.

• I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

  David Cross

  Divertido, Humor, Pensamiento

  "David Cross From Arrested Development". Interview with Daniel Robert Epstein, suicidegirls.com. February 1, 2004.

• [On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.

  David Cross

  Funny, Humor, Together

  "David Cross: The Pride Is Back". TV Special, September 18, 1999.

• Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

  David Cross

  Divertido, Humor, Corte

• I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.

  David Cross

  Divertido, Humor, Gay

  "Last Laugh '05". TV Movie, December 11, 2005.

• James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.

  David Cross

  Funny, Humor, Arrogant

  "David Cross: The Pride Is Back". TV Special, September 18, 1999.

• I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

  David Cross

  Divertido, Dolor, Humor

• If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

  David Cross

  Funny, Humor, Plums

  "David Cross: The Pride Is Back". TV Special, September 18, 1999.

• In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"

  David Cross

  Funny, Beautiful, New York

  "Shut Up You Fucking Baby!". Live comedy album, November 5, 2002.

• Lo que está haciendo el presidente de la aerolínea es instar a todo el mundo a ceder sus millas de viajero frecuente para los niños enfermos... Pero mientras leía esto, había dos asientos vacíos a mi lado. ¿Por qué los niños enfermos no pueden sentarse allí? Si tanto les preocupan los niños enfermos, ¿no deberían tener un corral de niños enfermos junto a la puerta de embarque?

  David Cross

  Funny, Giving Up, Reading

  "David Cross: The Pride Is Back". TV Special, September 18, 1999.

• The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

  David Cross

  Divertido, País, Humor

  "Shut Up, You Fucking Baby!". Live comedy album by David Cross, November 5, 2002.

• I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are.

  David Cross

  Funny, War, Party

• High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know.

  David Cross

  Divertido, Niños, Humor

  "David Cross: The Pride Is Back". TV Special, September 18, 1999.

• So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

  David Cross

  Divertido, Humor, Niños

  "It's Not Funny". Stand-up comedy album, November 14, 2004.

• There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.

  David Cross

  Funny, Writing, Alternatives

  "David Cross from areested development". Interview with Daniel Robert Epstein, www.suicidegirls.com. February 1, 2004.

• You can't just yell jokes at people.

  David Cross

  Divertido, Humor, Gente

• Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.

  David Cross

  Divertido, Humor, Gente

  "David Cross From Arrested Development". Interview with Daniel Robert Epstein, www.suicidegirls.com. February 1, 2004.

• Nadie va a ser tan malo para las personas de pensamiento libre y recto como George Bush.

  David Cross

  Divertido, Humor, Pensamiento

  "Let America Laugh". Interview with Dan Hoyle / WireTap, www.alternet.org. January 1, 2004.

• I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

  David Cross

  Divertido, Odio, Humor

  "Let America Laugh". Interview with Dan Hoyle, www.alternet.org. January 1, 2004.

• I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.

  David Cross

  Funny, Humor, Years

• Me encanta hacer cosas con Todd Barry y Jon Benjamin. Damos el escenario a buenas bandas y a gente divertida.

  David Cross

  Funny, People, Giving

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