Andy Kindler Quotes

• I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

  Andy Kindler

  Real, Believe, Conspiracy

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• George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

  Andy Kindler

  Doe

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• You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

  Andy Kindler

  Drinking, Rights, People

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• Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

  Andy Kindler

  Sex, Two, Choices

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• Hay mucha controversia en Internet, algunos dicen que soy un genio y otros que tengo un talento descomunal.

  Andy Kindler

  People, Genius, Talent

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• Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

  Andy Kindler

  Invención

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• My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

  Andy Kindler

  Cat, Kevin, Vehicle

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• Me he dado cuenta de que cuando llamas a información, al 411, siempre hay una voz de ordenador que dice: "¿Qué número desea? Ciudad y estado, por favor'. "Sí, quiero el número de Macy's en Century City, California. ¿Ha dicho 'pretzel nuggets'?

  Andy Kindler

  Cities, Voice, California

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• Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.

  Andy Kindler

  Kids, Practice, Bills

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• I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.

  Andy Kindler

  Confidence, Insecurity, Knows

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• Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.

  Andy Kindler

  Believe, Holiday, Years

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• Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.

  Andy Kindler

  White, People, Challenges

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• My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

  Andy Kindler

  Party, Keys, Wife

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• I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this.

  Andy Kindler

  Names, Upset, Driving

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• Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.

  Andy Kindler

  Clean, Felt

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• I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.

  Andy Kindler

  Nastiness, Tvs

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• I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.

  Andy Kindler

  Mitzvah, Bars, Done

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• I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

  Andy Kindler

  Song, Thinking, Three

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• He visto Master Class con Lorne Michaels en OWN. ¿Cómo puede alguien producir un programa de sketches y hablar durante una hora y no decir algo mínimamente divertido, o sarcástico, o irónico, o interesante, o informativo? Mi misión como productor es fomentar la creatividad". Misión cumplida.

  Andy Kindler

  Sarcastic, Creativity, Class

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• Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.

  Andy Kindler

  Stuff, Realizing, Rage

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• I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!

  Andy Kindler

  People, Guy, Maps

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• I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.

  Andy Kindler

  Doe, Stage, Tracy

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• Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.

  Andy Kindler

  Parks And Rec, Entertainment, Tvs

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• I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.

  Andy Kindler

  Perfect, Machines, Aces

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• Judah Friedlander, I'm ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That's a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says 'there's a limit to how funny words on a hat can be'. And then move to a chapeau.

  Andy Kindler

  Moving, Thinking, Years

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