Les Dawson Quotes

• I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.

  Les Dawson

  Stars, Moon, Night

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• Vi a seis hombres dando patadas y puñetazos a la suegra. Mi vecino me dijo: "¿Vas a ayudar?" Y yo: "No, con seis será suficiente".

  Les Dawson

  Divertido, Madre, Humor

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• Fui a mi médico y le pedí algo para el viento persistente. Me dio una cometa.

  Les Dawson

  Witty, Wind, Doctors

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• Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

  Les Dawson

  Doors, Years, Wife

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• My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

  Les Dawson

  Christmas, Mother, Running

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  22 Copiar cita

• There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?

  Les Dawson

  Zero, Numbers, Sacred

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• The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Rain, Home

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  20 Copiar cita

• Siempre sé cuando la suegra viene a quedarse; los ratones se lanzan sobre las trampas.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Sex Maniac, Law

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  24 Copiar cita

• My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Law, Wish

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.12, Michael O'Mara Books

  22 Copiar cita

• My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

  Les Dawson

  Funny, Sexy, Sex Relationships

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Llevé a la familia de mi mujer a tomar galletas. Aunque no estaban muy contentos de tener que donar sangre.

  Les Dawson

  Blood, Giving, Wife

  24 Copiar cita

• In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

  Les Dawson

  Moon, Space, Heaven

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.19, Michael O'Mara Books

  54 Copiar cita

• Llevé a mi suegra a la Cámara de los Horrores de Madame Tussaud, y uno de los asistentes me dijo: "No se mueva, señor; estamos haciendo inventario".

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Moving, Law

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  8 Copiar cita

• The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

  Les Dawson

  Rising, Way, Lasts

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.22, Michael O'Mara Books

  7 Copiar cita

• Fui al médico la semana pasada. Le dije: "¿Puede darme somníferos para mi mujer?". Me dijo: '¿Por qué?' Le dije: 'Se ha despertado.

  Les Dawson

  Sleep, Doctors, Wife

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  22 Copiar cita

• The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Sea, Wife

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.14, Michael O'Mara Books

  15 Copiar cita

• My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

  Les Dawson

  Salt, Dictionary, Lad

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.22, Michael O'Mara Books

  22 Copiar cita

• My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Exercise, Law

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• My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Hands, Law

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  7 Copiar cita

• I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Law, Breathing

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.12, Michael O'Mara Books

  16 Copiar cita

• Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Angel, Beer

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Law, Funeral

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

  Les Dawson

  Wife, Ugly, Horror

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  10 Copiar cita

• My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Wrinkles, Law

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  7 Copiar cita

• Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

  Les Dawson

  Tunnels, Funny Things, Wife

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